TW: Suicide Attempt
Three years ago if you asked me where I saw myself today, it wouldn’t be here. I could not even begin to picture myself sitting on my back porch right now, having just watched A Million Little Things, laughing with a man who helps me see the beauty in life.
Three years ago, I didn’t even think I would make it to 24. Honestly, I didn’t think I would make it to 22.
Three years ago, I tried to kill myself. I was in the bathtub, half a bottle down, ready to let myself drown. And if it weren’t for the amazing friends I have, I probably would have gone through with it that time. But instead, one of my friends drove 16 hrs just to be there for me.
Watching this show has made me stop and think about it all. One of the biggest things it has made me think about is the fact I didn’t even leave an explanation. I just wanted it all over so badly, I didn’t think about what it would do to the people who care for me. Who love me.
But, how was I supposed to write down that it wasn’t their fault? That what caused me to take my own life was horrendous lie I was hiding?
Leaving a note would mean admitting to everyone that I had been hiding things. That things were not what they seemed.
At the time, I didn’t think about all the questions I was going to leave my mom with. The heartbreak my dad would deal with. Or the anger my brothers would have to live with.
I didn’t even realize how much I would hurt my two best friends. At that moment I didn’t know they were both pregnant and, if I had gone through with it, I would never have seen the beautiful babies they created. The amazing children I get to love on.
I didn’t have a good enough explanation. I didn’t have a reason that would ease everyone’s pains.
But seeing a depiction of what that leaves the loved ones to deal with, I feel guilty that I had nothing written down too tell anyone the why.
If I had, maybe it would have looked this:
“Mom, dad, it’s not your fault. You raised me to be strong, but I am so tired of being strong all the time. Don’t ask if you could have changed it. If I had only let you in. But I was too scared to do that.
Brett, Nathan, you are amazing older brothers. Thank you for being the brothers you were. I am sorry for all the confusion you both are going to face after this. It’s not your fault I did this. I did this because I can’t keep living this life anymore.
Hallie, Tammera, this isn’t because I don’t love you guys. This is because I can’t do it anymore. I am tired of lying, saying everything is okay when it isn’t. I am tired of hiding behind this facade.
I won’t be here physically for any of you now. I really am sorry. I’ve been lying for months. This marriage I’ve led you all to believe is amazing has been tearing me apart piece by piece. Enclosed is a a notebook. Dad, I think it will be best if you and my brothers read it. I know mom’s breaking down. Hallie and Tammera are probably barely holding it together too. But it might help you understand why I am giving up. Mom always said my big heart will be the death of me. I guess she was right after all.
I am sorry I can’t wrap my arms around you all right now. I am sorry I didn’t let any of you in. I am sorry for the hurt I am causing. But I am so tired. I just want to sleep now. I will see you all again one day.
I love you all.”
Three years ago, I almost left all these people without this. There are a couple people I didn’t mention. That is because they were seperate from my WA family and friends. And I wish I would have written the letters to every one of them. But I am beyond happy I never followed through. That I never left then asking why.
Three years ago, I almost ended my journey. I was half a bottle in, sitting in a tub filled with water. My phone kept ringing, and I finally answered. I refused the video call because it would have shown my friend what was happening. He would have seen the half finished fifth of Fireball, and known something was wrong. If he had seen the side of the tub, he would have been confused, upset, and I didn’t want to hear that or see that. But he heard the drunk words, he heard the water slosh, and he made me tell him what was happening. He got in his car and drove 16 hrs to be there for me. He and my friends in NC spent the week before his deployment just being there.
It wasn’t at this moment when the entirety of the destructive marriage I was in had been revealed. That came later. But if it wasn’t for that week, I may not have celebrated three more years of life. I may not have met the man I absolutely love with every fiber of my being. I would have never gotten to hold, hug, or spoil the babies my best friends had.
I may not have been here to share my story, my experiences.
Three years ago, I almost gave it all up. I almost gave up. And I am grateful every. damn. day that I didn’t.
Submitted by: Anon