Scary Moments

Hi everyone, it’s your admin, Alicen here. I haven’t posted anything for a few days because there’s been a lot going on in my world and I need to talk about it.

For those who don’t know, I have an ESA (emotional support animal) for my C-PTSD. His name is Zeus and he’s chronically ill like me.


Zeus has bladder crystals that seem to come back every time he is stressed out.

He was first diagnosed about three years ago and seems to get them again any time he is super stressed out. That’s not an uncommon thing with cats who have crystals.

We have tried multiple urinary prescription foods. He will not eat them. He will starve himself before he will eat them. My 18lb Maine Coon now weighs 12.6lbs because he will not eat the food. I bought an over the counter, non-prescription food because he would eat it. I will not let him starve to death.

About a month ago, right as I was starting LTTUS, we almost lost him. He had a bad reaction to a medication he had been given for the crystals and he vomited down his front and then blacked out in my arms.

It took several hours but he bounced back. During those hours we took him to the emergency vet certain we were going to lose him, but the vet switched his meds and he survived.

A few days ago, he had a recurrence.

We noticed he had peed outside his litter box and when my partner went to look at where he peed we saw rather large crystals in the pee. So off to the vet we went again, uncertain, again, if Zeus was coming home with us.

Our usual vet sent us to another vet for a second opinion before any decisions were made. Zeus is young. He is still acting normal and eating. I was not ready to give up on him. I was bawling in the vet’s office begging her to give me options. He needed options. I needed him to be okay.

Zeus is home.

I made an agreement with my vet to try him on another prescription food I found that is similar to the non-prescription one he likes. We got a sample of it today and he ate it. We are going back soon to trade in the ones he won’t eat for this new food. If he continues eating it I will order a full month supply for him. We also got two weeks worth of meds for him. That should hold off his pain until we can get the food situation figured out.

Zeus is okay.

I, however, am not.

August sucks for me. It’s a big C-PTSD trigger month, there are several dates I try my best to avoid; including my mother’s birthday.

I’ve spent most of the past week somewhere between dissociated and manic. I haven’t talk to anyone really outside of one of my admins and my partner.

I’ve shut down.

I’m fighting it now that Zeus is stable. Zeus needs me to fight it and I know that. As I said in the vet’s office today he’s tied to my C-PTSD, he won’t calm down until Mommy is okay. Him being my ESA has him tied to me in a million different ways. He knows when I’m just slightly off and he will push his pain aside to help me with mine. Right now he needs to focus on his and that means I need to be okay so he can heal.

I am not okay.

But I will be.

I’m going to keep posting stories here, both my own and ones that are submitted to me. Working, helping others, makes me feel better. I will survive this; I will push past this. I just need a minute to breathe.

Thanks for reading,


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