Hospital

Note from the editor: Yes this is a long post. Sometimes traumatic experiences need to be told in their entirety. Also the original author is dyslexic and has spelling difficulties. I am leaving her spelling as written by her request as it is part of her trauma.

Note from the author: Some of the more physical aspects of abuse have been left out entirely or played down in this explination. Suffice it to say ,if I mention anyone grabing me or touching me then I am downplaying the encounter. an instance of sexual abuse has been left out because i feel unabled to wright it at this time.

My story =setting. Threwout my 4th grade year . the beging of wich I was 9 threw the first part and 10 threw the second. The story starts in the fall of 1998.

 

Breef descriptions =

 

In the fall of 1998 I was 9 years old and I was going into 4th grade.I knew I would be partly in the regular classes and partly in the special education classes just like I did in the other grades  because I am learning disabled and was  realy bad at reading.and wrighting. And math.but that was ok. I had afew friends and I liked the other subjects. I liked science and art the best. I talked with my cat like I always did and snuggled up to sleep knowing school would start soon.

I would note that 2nd and 3rd grade had not been great. I was bullyed badly by other students. And one of the few who treeted me nicly had gotten cancer and was gone much of the year. and he would not be returning to this school for 4th grade.

I uest to pretend I was sick to try and get out of going to the classes where the kids treeted me the worst.

That’s about all I remember from 2nd and 3rd grade. My mom informs me that those years were not good. But 4th grade overshadows them so much in my mind that I don’t realy remember.

 

Its 4th grade that I remember.

And on the first day of school I found out that 2 of the kids that I had gone to special reading classes with the year befor would be in my main class as well as my special ed class that year. Jean had a lisp and was realy nice.he talked very slowly but he was smart. And cody, who didn’t act like the other students,and sometimes had trouble doing things. but he was also very nice.and they were my friends.

the teacher placed us all at the same table in the back corner of the classroom.i was glad to be with my friends but I didn’t like the back corner but that was ok because I was with people I liked.and if we all sat together then maby we could help each other if we had trouble with somting.

 

I thought things would be about the same as the year befor.3rd grade had not be to terribly difrent than 2nd grade after all. there was bullying and crying about work because im disabled and some things were super hard.i did not expect this year to be any different.

 

But 4th grade  did not end up going how I expected it to. it didn’t realy end up going well at all.

And it started with my homeroom teacher.

My new mainroom teacher was mrs bargatzy.im not going to try to spell it right.she was thin and had close cropped graying blond hair. She reminded me of an older version of lady elain from mr. Rodgers naborhood. But her nose wasn’t that big. And she wasn’t that silly looking. She wasn’t silly at all actualy. And it didn’t take long for me to decide that I did not like this teacher very much.

 

Mrs bargatskey  was not nice . in particular she was not nice to the speciel education kids. jean and cody were the only other special ed kids in my homeroom with me.but they didn’t talk much and they went to more special classes than I did so they spent less time in mr.bargasys room.  but it became clear that the teacher didn’t like us. That what she liked was making us cry.

 

And it wasn’t very long befor bad things started to happen. some times she would call on me ,jean,or cody and laugh at our answers.point out how stupid we were so the other kids laughed to. Someimtes she would keep us in from recess. Sometimes she would ignor us even if our hand was in the air. Looking back it was a lot better when she was ignoring us.

 

After a while of this I tod my parents about it. I was already having trouble with the amount of homework but it was class that was realy starting to bother me. im not sure if they beleaved me in the beging .but they did after a while.at  night I would talk to my cat and lay in bed cuddeling her and hopeing that things at school would get better. I couldn’t make myself smarter. But maby if I tried realy realy hard then the teacher would be nice to me.maby then things would get better.

 

But they didn’t.

 

one day we were working on a workbook sheet and cody was handing his to the teacher. She handed it right back to him and told him not to turn in work that wasn’t done.she threw it in the trash and handed hi a new work sheet.cody came back to the table and started crying. But cody HAD finished his worksheet.he sat next to me and I saw him doing it.  I told her that cody had finished. He colord the picture of the forest. and answerd the questions. The teacher told me that scribbling brown all over a pictur wasn’t coloring and that cody would have to do it again. I told her that wasn’t fair because he had done the best he could.and there was no right way to do art. she told me his best wasn’t enough and that mine probly wouldn’t be eather. Then she walked away.when I turned my worksheet in that day she looked me in the eye as she put it in the trash without looking at it. I went home very sad that night.

 

That would not be the last time she put my work in the trash. It happened repetedly and my parents were told I wasn’t doing the work at all.

 

Things continued to go badly at school. I tried to be good and do what the teacher wanted but it was never enough.  She called me names,she called my friends names. Even in the 90s calling a disabled child the R word to their face was a thing that wasn’t supposed to happen. she called us stupid and retarted and idiots and all sorts of other things all the time. and did so infront of all the other students. So that they called us that to.she would tell me I was wrong even when I KNEW I was right.she would keep me in from resess because I couldn’t do the work up to her standards. Work that she had often thrown away when I handed it in in the first place.

 

I became afraid to go to school. I would cry at night and hide under my bed or the table,and throw fits in the morning because I didn’t want to go back there.i don’t mean like a child throwing a tantrum. I mean full out hysteria.my parents tried to make me feel better but it never realy worked.i would run out of energy eventually and would go to school. I spent a lot of time crying.and hiding in the bathroom.i didn’t want her to see me cry if I could help it.

I tried the best I could but it didn’t matter

because the teacher would laugh at me and throw away my work.

 

this stuff went on and on

eventually my dad came to shadow me one day because of the things I was saying. he sat in the back of the class quietly and observed. He is a smart man with a government job and there were not about to denigh him the requet to observe his daughters classroom. He saw how she treeted the dissbaled kids.He watched as I repedetly raised my hand to answer questions and was ignored. the one time she did call on me was a science question. I gave her the answer and she told me I was wrong. My dad said something about that.polightly,he is a fairly calm man so he was just “exscuse me but hold on mam”he had already seen that she would ignor me even when he was sititng right there.but I had just been told I was wrong. When I wasn’t. he said that my answer was correct and then went on to explain the science behind the question and the answer. she just told him that that wasn’t what was in the book. they had a meeting and she told him that it didn’t matter if the book was worng because that’s what she was going to teach.

 

Another incident involved a science exsperiment with a potato some wires and a lightbulb. She was giving directions to us befor we were supposed to start trying to figure out how to make it work. but I KNEW I just knew already. I was relay good at science and In my head I was so pleased to have a moment where I knew how to do something. So I hooked up the wires and the potato and got it all set up and my little lightbulb came on. and I was happy. Cody clapped. Again. he didn’t talk a lot but was nice. Ms bargatsy came over and started yelling at me. I tried to tell her that I just wanted to show her I was good at something. She swpt her hand across the desk knocking my setup intot the floor where it came apart. The potato rolled under the desk. She smiled and walked away.

 

My parents ended up having lots of meetings with the school that year. some with me and some withough. I don’t know what happened in all of them. I know the princible used ot be a nice man. But he had a stroke. And the lady who took over for him wasn’t any better than mrs bargatsy. And she defended all the teachers actions. because I was a bad child.my parents still tried to hold them acountible. With more meetings.

 

But the meetings didn’t do any good.

 

Mrs bargasty just kept doing what she wanted. And what she wanted was to humiliate the special ed kids in her class. paticualry me because I was the one who spoke up the most.cody and jean were NOT stupid. They were different but not dumb.cody hardly talked but he was super good at math.and jean talked realy slow but he could read out loud. Wich was way better than I could at that point.and I didn’t like it when mrs bargay called them names. She kept me inside during recess a lot.and I gusse a lot of it was my fault because I spoke up when she called my friends names.  I didn’t get to play with friends.the ones  I still had left anyway. she made it realy hard for any of us to have friends anymore. so us disabled kids played together. but I couldn’t much anymore.because I was kept inside. I told jean he could be the new leader of of our wolf pack on the playground.sence he got to go outside more than I did. That was our favret game. Pretending we were a working family of wolves with 2 parental pack leaders. I was good at science. I watched a lot of Nature and dr.jane goodall. Animal games were my favrets and the other kids liked them to. so we pretended to be animals a lot. But with it being only the disabled kids.and then with me being left out the “pack” wasn’t as big as it was anymore. I honeslty don’t even know if that’s what they played when I wasn’t out there. And sitting in the hall allthe time made everybody think I was a trouble maker. Incuding other teachers.

 

My only other teacher besides mrs. Bargazy(and the PE teacher and art teacher) was an elderly woman who taught the special ed kids and the behavior problem kids. she wasn’t mean,she was just abit to old to run the class. I will admit that iwas angry at her for years. But im not anymore now. I realize now that she was just an older lady that may have made a lot of mistakes,but she had tryd to help us the best she knew how. She was wrong. But she tried.her name was ms wessly. And I don’t hate her anymore. but she never walked threw the halls so she never saw me sitting in from recess. Had she known she might have tried to let me go outside. Though I wouldn’t have beleaved that then.

Occasonaly I was put in the cafeteria instead of the hall during recess. And there was this old janitor named mr.williems,he was a black man in a school that was predominetly white kids from well off familys. People looked down on him.and I hated it. because he went out of his way to be nice. he cleaned the cafeteria at the same time we had recess. He would wisper a hint if I was having trouble when he went by with his broom. Or nod if something was right. he never gave me answers. But he helped me in those tiny little ways.he was soft spoken and he didn’t talk much. And if the aid who was watching me in the cafeteria saw him talking to the kids in there she would yell at him.none of the teachers ever treeted him nicly. So he kept to himself,doing his work stedily,keeping his eyes down cast.  he was nice though.and he didn’t have to be.he always had a small smile for us disabled kids. And that realy ment a lot to me.that year in particular.

I wish I had been put in the cafitiria more often.

 

But normaly mrs bargasty would put me out in the hall during recess.not in the cafeteria. And when I was in the hall I would sometimes see mr.peterson.he was a nice teacher.he was middle aged and tall his hair was adark grey but he wasn’t old.  He had a very kind face and an over all gentle and kind temperment.with a sort of soft voice. He was a good teacher and I wished on multiple occasions that I was in his class instead of mr.bargatsys.he had afew of the behavior problem kids (I don’t like calling them that but that’s what the school called them)in his class and he was very good at calming them down.he also had some kids fromt eh childrens home in his class. He was the only male teacher for 4th gread and for reasons unknown to me the female teachers seemed to ignor him. if he happened to pass while i was being kept in from recess he always had a kind word for me and the few other students being kept in. who were normaly cody and jean.

I remember one time on a particularly pretty day he told us to go on outside and that he would talk to mrs bargasy and tell her that he said it was ok . we did but im sure he got told off because he never did it again.though he was still nice.

 

But it was mrsbargasty that I had to deal with everyday. And day after day she treeted me badly.

 

I went home and tried to do my homework but I kept getting more and more upset. I cryed histericaly all the time. and I was becoming afraid of everything.i would talk to my cats at night.snowflake had started to greet me at the door when I got home fro school. And she had always slept with me evrynight.and I always talked to her.but No longer about happy things. but about how sad I was. My parent tried to make me feel better but it never realy worked.

 

things just kept getting worse and worse at school.

mrs.bargatsky called me a lier when we were talking about animals in class. I knew a lot about animals. but she laughed at me.and I didn’t have the self esteem to hold in my emotions anymore. I started to cry and then I was told  to sit down and shut up and that I was distrupting the class.she smiled as she said it.

 

She would tell  me that my work wasn’t good enough,when I tried to tell her I was trying my hardest she would trhow it away.or rip it up. Or turn her back on me.and pretend she didn’t here me.

 

Eventually she even stopped sending me to the special classes that I was supposed to go to for my reading and math. one time I got up to go to the special class and she told me to sit down. I tried to tell her that it was reading time and I needed to go to mis weassly. but she told me I didn’t .i got upset. I told her that it was what I was supposed to do. my paper said. she said that she was the boss and it was her job to tell me what to do. I got more  upset and started to cry and tried to go to my class anyway.because that was what I was supposed to do. and I dint want her to laugh at my reading anymore. she blocked the door and when I still tried to get around her to leave  she pushed me.She said we were going to the  principles office. and they called my mom. The principle took the teachers side even though my mo told them that I was indeed supposed to go to the special class.

 

my nights and days kept getting worse and worse. I would talk to my cat,and draw picturs.the pictures wernt happy anymore though. I was sad and angry.i started to get mad about everything. even when my parents just wanted to take me to get icecream. I had all these feelings inside and none of them were good. I cryed all the time.

 

My parents tryd to help. The year befor I had started going to a doctor and was on medication for depression. But clearly it wasn’t working so they put me on somthign difrent. I didn’t realy like the doctor. He didn’t make me feel better. But he was supposed to help me. so I tried to do what he told me to.he said the medicine would make it better. That It would make me happier.

 

But things did not get better.

 

My medicine could not make the teacher treet me better.or make other people at the school beleave me when I tried to say what was happening.mrs bargatsy would  tell me I was stupid to my face. That I would never amount to anything. She laughed at me. and made fun of me in class in front of the other students.

 

And if I tried to defend myself it was just worse. she smiled at me while  while holding my wrist.as she leaned down into my face, yelled and called me names.

 

And on it went. I was starting to hate myself.i did not feel like I should exsist.

 

One of the times she called me stupid I tried to tell her I wasn’t. that the testing SAID I wasn’t stupid.my comprehention was fine that it just took me longer. She laughed and told me I would never be more than a carpet layer. I tried to turn away.but The teacher grabbed my arm and hurt me. I had to sit in the hall by myself again that day.mr.peterson tried to talk to me when he passed.but it wasn’t much use. I knew he couldn’t help me. no one could.

 

Things kept going like htat. Things kept getting worse. The teacher kept treeting me badly.she kept hurting me.and I started to beleave all the things she said that I was.

 

evry day I would go home upset. I screamd and cryed ,I did not want to be alive anymore . I beleaved I was stupid,I beleaved I was hated,I beleaved that the things that were happening were my fault. And I wanted to die. I would sit and hold my cat just wanting it all to be over.

 

But they wernt.

 

One day The teachers(ms bargazy and mes wesly) told me that I ripped a note off my assignment book that was to go home to my parents. But I didn’t. there wasn’t a note.she hadn’t given me a note the day befor so I of corse didn have one to give her . she called me a lier and told me to go call my dad and tell him that I was lieing.note that they didnt tell me to clal my mom who didn’t work and was only a mile down the road. They told me to call my dad who was at work an in meetings.

 

He did not answer the first time so I was sent back to class. where I was called a lier again. and after a bit I was sent back out to return to the office to call my father again.

I went into the hall. But I did not go to the office. I was afraid. I was upset because no matter what I did it was always my falt.even when I was telling the truth.evrything was my fault. And I couldn’t take it anymore.so I went to the bathroom my the gym. There was a door there. and wheni pushed it it was unlocked. I went out the side door beside the girls bathroom.still crying i ran out of the school instead of going to the office. I ran and ran and ran. And I made it halfway home. But then climbed a second  fence and cut my leg.I knoked on a ladys door and she called my mom.she was concerned a bloody crying child was at her doorstep. She gave me juice. Later my parents saw that there was no staple marks in my notebook. I had been telling the truth and the teacher had not.

 

That was the first time I ran away. They didn’t even notice I was gone.

The second time they noticed I was gone and rather than calling my parents to let the know that their child was missing they had teachers get in their cars and drive around the naborhood looking for me. hoping they could take me back to the school without my parents ever noticing.but I went to the same ladys house because I knew she was safe. And she called my mother. and when the teachers pulled up into the driveway she told me to go inside and pet her dog while the grown ups talked. I could hear my mothers raised voice as I wateched from the window.

 

But I was punished for running away. The school shut me behind bookcases in the corner of miss weaslys class room away from the other kids.she had asked if  I could spend more time in her classroom .i dint know that then. I didn’t know that she had asked because she knew I was unhappy with mis bargatsy.and I was mad at ms wessly because from my perspective she was the one punishing me. I didn’t understand that she didn’t have choice. Looking back I think she thought I would be better off in her room. But I didn’t understand that then. To much damage had been done. And ms wessly was just an old lady who ddint understand what had been happening all year. I would go home very upset. My cat was now my only friend.the other kids thought I was crazy.cody and jean didn’t but it was better for them if they  didn’t play with me anymore. and I understood that.

 

After afew days shut behind those book cases I snapped.i don’t know what it was that set me off . I don’t remember. Its been 20 years. But I remember pushing the desk over and turning to face the bookshelves that kept me in.I needed out.but they wouldn’t let me out. I proceeded to push one of the bookcases as hard as I could to knock it down. It worked. I tried to leave them room. But I was told no.i couldnt take it anymore so I crawled under a desk and growld at the teacher threw my tears.  She tried to pull me out from under the desk and I fought and fought. I was angry.i was afraid .and I needed to get away.and I did. Because mis weassly was old and she couldn’t hold my down by herself. I ran.there was a little door in the back of the classroom that the teachers aid would step out of for smoke breaks. I bolted out of it.

 

It led to the back of the school where the ballfeilds were. There was a little building that sold hotdogs when the school had baseball games.and it had stairs in the back of it. I ran up theair and sat by the railing. I wanted to hide and I liked high places like trees. I watched a spider build its web as  crouwched there. But they followed me. they screamed for me to come down. But I was upset. They called a bunch of teachers out there. they called the security guard(who I thought was a cop at the time because they tod me they were callig the cops). They put down mats below the building and said I was going to jump.i wasn’t. I just wanted to be left alone. Mr.petersaon tried to tell them to just leave me alone.but they didn’t . they called my mom who came and tried to get me to come down. But there was so many paoeple. I just wanted to be left alone. I just wanted to watch the spider. Mom came up the stairs and tried to get me to come down. But a lady came up and screamed in my face.she worked in the office. She told me I was going to get in touble. That I was waistin gpeoples time. she told me I was a bad child. And I cryed. I couldn’t hear anymore. I screamed and I kicked. And I called her a big fat lesbian.i would note that I am queer and have no problem with queer people. but I was 10 and she was mean. I don’t think I knew what the word ment at the time.  when the woman reached out for me I kicked and screamed and she yelled “that was assult” from my perspective it was self defence. And again. I was 10. finely my mom got the lady to go away. She held me and said we were going home. That if I would just come down the stairs we would go home. So we went home.

 

The school contacted my doctor,even though that isnt somthng that they are supposed to do.its actualy illegal for the school to talk to my doctor in that way and I found out as an dult my parents could have seuwed but that they didn’t want to put me threw that. . the school and my doctor told my parents that they should put me in a phyciatric hospital. I didn’t want to go. But my parents had been told it was the right thing to do.so they thought that was what was best for me. they didn’t tell me I was bad or anything. They thought this palce would help me. they were just trying to help their daughter.

 

(the following bit has some darker moments left out. Some of my time spent here is hazy. So I have put the things that I remember quite clearly.and skipped over a tornado warning where we were in the hall with adult phyc patens, and left out some of the other kids.there is one child that is very very important to this story though. and I would be remis in leaving her out of it.also I was there for a total of 5 days. Wich seems like a very short time.but bad things can happen within a very short time.)

 

my dad took me downtown to the big building.i wont name the hospital.but I avoid it at all cost now. We walked in. went in the elevator and talked to some people outside the big doors that were the intrence to the childrens phyciatric part of the hospital.realy big double doors with a bar on it. and it was scairy . the workers all dressed in white. they talked to my dad and then it was time for my dad to leave. I turned to him. he huged me and stuff but I was afraid. I didn’t want to stay there. I didn’t want to go.i didn’t want him to leave me there.I cryed. He tried to tell me it would be allright but I didn’t beleave him.eventualy he had to push me threw the door,not in a mean way. But it was the only way to get me to go in. I know now that my father cryed that night in telling my mother that he had to push me in as I begged him not to leave me.

 

I was afraid. As I looked at the people I was now with. A short curvy nurse picked up the bag that my parents had packed with clothes and afew toys and she told me to come with her. I followed her around the side of the counter that had a sort of office place behind it where another woman sat. then we went right where a hall was. My room was the first door on the right and I was told I would be sharing it with another girl. The nurse opend the door and went in. to my left was a small bathroom with a toilet,bathtub,and sink. Walking forward I saw 2 plain wardrobes agenst the right wall. And a window on the wall opisit from the door. There were also 2 twinsized beds. Their headbords agenst the left wall.And on the bed closest to the door sat the other girl.

 

Her name was Angel.

And she was 4.

she was the only other girl there at the time.  She was tiny with pale skin .she had super curly brown hair that stuck out everywhere and came to her sholders.she had hazel-brown eyes that seemed to big for her small face. There was a cheros add that ran in the early 2000s with a little girl putting cheros in her dads pockets. She looked a lot like her. She was a nice little girl. And very friendly.she was very excited to have a roommate. Very excited to not be the only girl anymore.The nurse put my bag on the bed by the window and told me to unpack and get settled and that she would be back later.

 

Angel talked to me and asked a lot of questions. When I was putting away the clothes and afew toys that I was alowd to bring with me to the hospital I told her about myself she got very excited when I toldher I had pets.i asked if she had any. She clearly liked animals.but she got a distracted sad look on her face. She said her daddy made her doggy go away.in a way that made me think her dady had hurt the animal.but She then saw the stuffed monkey I was holding and got excited again. I saw that her parents had not sent her any toys with her.

 

The rest of the afternoon I was told about the things we would be doing and shown where evrthing was. We had dinner in a room with lots of round tables. Al the nurses in this room were male where as normaly there were only afew male nurses.I sat with angel sence she was the only other kid there I knew. We had mashed potatos and some sort of soggy meat. Our spoons and forks were plastic. There were no knives.the men stood to close .  Then we had evening activitywork or free time if our work was done and we had been good. I didn’t have any work so I had free time while Angel worked on some sort of workpage. And after that we went to our rooms.

 

And this is where  things went down hill. That night was angels bath night. and the nurse was trying to get her to take one but she was realy upset. She wouldn’t get undressed.She didn’t want a bath.she adimetly refused to take a bath and kept running out of thelittle bathroom evytime the nurse tried to get her in there. The nurse then  stepped out of our room for a moment. I asked angel why she didn’t want a bath and she said she was afraid.i didn’t realy understand but the little girl was clearly very very afraid of baths. My parents had packed my favret bathtoy to come with me. so I asked angel if she wanted to borrow my toy whale. i had never been afraid of water,but I told her that the whale always made me feel safe. I got the whale out of the wardrobe and showed it to her. it was a toy orca that was ment for a Barbie to ride. I told her that its name was Keyko after the whale that was in free willy. And then held it out to her.she hesitantly took it and then held it close to her chest.and she said she would take very good care of it. and I thought everything was fine then .but when the nnurse came back and angel  said she was ready for her bath and told the nurse I let her borrow a toy the nurse said she  couldn’t take the whale with her.and angel started to tear up. I told the nurse that I had let her borrow it sence she was afraid of the water.that it was ok. But the nurse still said no. and angel got very  upset.holding the toy to her and refusing to take a bath without it. I asked why she couldn’t take it with her when it made her feelbetter. But the nurse wouldn’t give me an answer and the more upset the little 4 year old girl got the more upset I got. But while angel crumpled to the floor crying I got angery and started yelling at the nurse. It was stupid. It wasn’t fair.they wanted to take a bath and I found a way she would take one. There was no need to make her cry more. she didn’t steel the toy and I didn’t care if she played with it.

 

The nurse told me if I didn’t calm down I would have to go to the quiet room. Angel quieted but was still sobbing on the floor holding the toy. I didn’t know what the quet room was. I didn’t calm down. The nurse grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the bedroom and  down the hall. she took my shous and socks ,opend a door and then locked me in a room.

 

It was small.less than half the size of my bedroom at home.more like a bathroom.it was rectangle exspet for one leaning side in the back. So a rectangle with a little sideways triangle on top. And it was very small. The floor was white ,the celing was white,the walls were white. and the door was white. the only bit of color to be seen was threw  the tiny window in the door. I was upset.the room was unsetteling . I couldn’t hear threw it.I started yelling. I yelled and yelled and yelled but they wouldn’t let me out. The room scaired me and I started to see things. I shut my eyes tight. Eventually the nuse let me out.she didn’t make me stay there long sence it was only the first time I had gotten in trouble. She led me back to my room.

 

Angel was laying down on her bed when I got there.her hair was wet. But she was only pretending to be asleep. After I layed down and the nurse had shut the door and left. She wisperd and said she was sorry. I said it wasn’t her fault. She told me she put my whale in my wardrobe so the nurse wouldn’t take it. I told her thankyou. She told me she was glad I was back because the thing on the wall scaired her . I turned my head to try to see what she ment.she pointed to a shape and said it looked like a skeleton. I explained it was just a shadow from the tree outside.that sometimes lights make things shadows look weird. we said goodnight  and she fell asleep soon after that. i decided that night that maby she didn’t belong in the hospital. She was to little.

 

The next day we got dressed and had breakfast and a sort of group theropy sesson.the theropy was a big room and had lots of chairs in it. the cushioned kind that are in doctor waiting rooms. And we all sat in one. A doctor and a difrent nurse talked abit and then we went in a circle and each of us told why we were their and how we were making it better. I learned one kid had raped his sister. I learned another had killed a hamster with his fist,and had squeezed another to death.he did not sound sorry  when he said it. One had tried to choke somebody at school. And so on and so forth.all kids under the age of 13. All male exspet me and angle. Angel said she didn’t know why she was there just that they told her she was bad. She said she was sorry. i told her it was ok. one boy said he was there because he ran away from school. I told him that was ok. because if somebody dousnt do something realy bad,and if they say sorry,you are supsed to tell them it was ok.that was my logic.that he and angel didn’t hurt anyone. but when I was my turn to share  the nurse and doctor spoke first and told me that I shouldn say that bad things were ok. I tyed to tell them that i didn’t think bad things were ok and that that wasn’t what I was saying.they got mad at me. I tried to tell them why I told angel and the boy that it was ok.i was told to be quiet. But I wanted to explain why I said it.

 

They took me out of the room and I didn’t understand why. I got mad.they headed towrd the quiet room and this time I fought some. A nurse’s hand slipted to where it shouldn’t have been and I stopped fighting. they put me in the quiet room again.i heard things. and I saw things.i scratched at the wall thingking maby I could get out that way. But it was useless. I shut my eyes and plugd my ears trying to block it out. I humed to myself . and eventually they let me out. I had missed afternoon classes.and it was time for dinner.

 

That night they let me  call my parents and begged and begged for them to let me come home.my mom cryed while she was on the phone with me. they told me how much they missed me and wanted me to come home. But they wouldn’t come get me. I said I loved them and loved the pets and my brother and they said they loved me. but then my time on the phone was up.

 

I went to bed upset that night. If they wanted me home why didn’t they come get me? I knew they thought they were doing what was best but it wasn’t best. i didn’t think I was supposed to be in a place with people who  hurt their siblings or killed animals or choked people. Angel was upset that night to. but I don’t know why. Just that she was crying when I came back from calling my parents.and I couldn’t get her to talk to me. but I told her whatever it was it wasn’t her fault. I had nightmares about the quiet room that night.and I suspect she had spent some time in one of the other quite rooms that day. Because she had nightmares to.

 

The first part of the next day was quiet and uneventful. Though I was not happy that the nurse had to sit in the room with me while I bathed.she tried to help me. I told her no.she was not my mother. but she let me play with my whale in the tb so I didn’t complain.she was the best of the nurses but that isnt saying much.later  We had lunch and those who had meds after lunch lined up to take them.the male nurse touched our hands to long when he gave them to us. I avoided him.

 

Then afternoon classes started. And everything was fine at first.i did my work like the other kids.we had to be very quet . the teacher-nurse lady was older than the other nurses and she didn’t like it when we had questions.she snapped at us a lot. But she was still better than mrs bargatszy so I didn’t have much of a problem with her at first. And no one realy wants to be snapped at . and the work was easy.So we were all quiet until we each finished our work. and when we finished we could go to the round table in the back of the room and color with crayons.so when I was done I handed in my work and was told I could go to the back table. I went and sat and started to color with the bits of crayons. not long after that angel turned in her work and came back to the coloring table. She was told to go back to her seat. She asked why. she was told she couldn’t color. Angles eyes got sad. I didn’t want her to cry anymore. she was only very little.I asked why I could color but angel couldn’t.  the teacher ignored me. I asked again. she just told angel to go back to her seat again.angel said she didn’t understand but the teacher just told her to go  back to her seat and to stop acting up. angel looked at the table again and started to cry. I asked again why angel wasn’t allowed to color when the rest of us were. Angel asked the teacher again if she could prety please color she promised to be good. The teacher just said no. I tried to explain that it didn’t make any sence that the very youngest of the group was the only one that WASNT allowed to color. By this time the other kids were watching to. the lady told me to mind my own buisnes and to stop  distracting the others. angel said please and  the lady again said no and told her to go sit down.

 

Angel did this time but she was crying histericly. i said that it wasn’t fair that the rest of us could color but angel couldn’t. she had been good all day and done all her work and not done a single bad thing.and that she should at least tell angle why she wasn’t alowd to color with us. she told me to be silent and stop adding to the problem. but angle WASN’T a problem in my mind. I slamed down my crayon I told her that making little girls cry was more of a problem than asking questions was.it would have been smarter for me to shut up. but angle wasn’t a problem . she was 4. The nurse/teacher marched over and grabed hold ofmy arms and pulled me out of the chair. Angel said no over and over and got up and tried to keep the lady from dragging me out. But she was to tiny and it made no diffreance.she was holding the ladys arm trying to get it off of me when  Another nurse came and pulled her away.i was dragged out the door.and the last thing I saw was her littleface in tears as she tried to reach out for me even though she was being held. And then the door was shut.

 

I fought. I fought hard. I didn’t want to go back into that room. I only was trying to help the little girl be happy. I thought her parents were bad and that’s why she was here. She was tiny and afraid and she only wanted to color. And now I was being dragged back to that little room and I fought and fought and fought.

 

a buzzer of some sort was hit.and 2 male nurses came because I was to difficult for the lady to hold me alone. They got me down the hall and into the room again. I hit the door when it shut.i screamed and screamed and screamed. I hit it repetedly . it wasn’t enough.I ran to the back of the tiny room and ran at thedoor so that when my fist hit the little window it made a big noise. I did it over and over and over and over.my hands would be brued later. I did it over and over and over. And a tiny tiny bit of the corner of the glass cracked. Glass they had told me was bullet proof but clearly wasn’t. but a tiny crack couldn’t get me out.i screamed and cryed and sobbed. I started ripping apart my shirt. Im not sure of what logic I had in thinking I could use a shirt to get out a locked door. But I wasn’t thinking clearly.i ripped the bottem half to shreds and went back to screaming and running into the door. I needed out. My hands were bleeding. Strips of my shirt littler the floor around me. and then the door opend. But I tried to dart out but I was grabbed and then put on the floor And I was heald down . I bit and I kicked but it wasn’t enough. They held me down and some sort of syring was put into my mouth.

 

They got up and I tried to escap out the door when they exsited but they just pushed me to the back of the room and quickly got out and shut the door behind them.i tried to start running at the door again. but  I all the suden felt tierd. Realy realy tierd. i sank down agenst the wall behind me. and then I layed on my side. And I cryed quietly.my arms and legs felt to heavy. I couldn’t get up. I layed there and cryedtill I stopped shaking and heaving. till the tears just fell and the rest of me  was still. I layed with my face agenst the cold white floor and watched as the room played tricks on me.

 

I saw the  faces . it looked like faces that were pressed agenst a plastic bag. But they were protruding from the walls not bags.they were taller than I was. Their mouths open and gaping. I watched as blood dripped down the door causing a dark pool below it. I saw rusty hooks and chains hanging from the celing. And I saw the shadow people.I watched shadowy figures,black siloets pull themselves up from the floor as if they were clibing out of some sort of hole.a hole that wasn’t there. they gatherd standing around me. watching. Sometimes darting out threw the walls.only to dart back in at the edge of my vision. i heard muffled wispers and screaming that came from no where. I heard and saw more things that time than I had the previus times I had been in the room. And I could do nothing to block it all out.

 

I layed there a long time. just stairing blankly even after the tears stopped.and after I heard the distant sounding echo of doors outside indicating that the other kids were going to their rooms for the night.meaning I had missed afternoon activitys and ihad missed dinner. It didn’t matter. I layed there unmoving and unthinking as I saw things. because I couldn’t stop them. and I couldn’t make them go away. And there was nothing I could do to get out.

 

So I layed there in a sort of nothingness state for a long time.

And then I had a thought. just one word. A faint quietwisper of a  word.in the very edge of my mind.

“ no.”

it wasn’t angry.more of a tiny wisper. that had somehow made its way threw  pain and nothingness.I layed there. holding on to that word in the nothingness. Making sure that thought didn’t go away. As I slowly became human again.

 

I was tierd. but whatever they had given me had worn off. So after quite some time I very slowly i sat up. and then stood.again very slowly. I staired around at the things on the walls. glanced at the strange shadowy figures around me. I stood there a moment .saronded by the shadow people. and then I walked forward. I slowly walked tword the door. And when I reached it I glanced down at the pool below it. and at the red running down it. and slowly I reached up my hand and gently knocked on the door.then stepped back and waited quietly.

A nurse came to the door. She said nothing. But looked threw the little window at me.

“im sorry.” I said. And with those words the nurse let me out.

 

It was very late at night.and She lead me down the quiet hall and into my room where angel was asleep.the nurse told me to get some sleep while I can and then she quietly shut the door.

I changed into my nightshirt and layed down in the bed . but I did not sleep riht away. because I had a word in my head. and befor I went to sleep I wisperd it as quietly as I could into the silent room.

“no.”

They would not hurt me anymore.

 

The next morning angel quietly asked if I was ok. and she told me sorry. I told her none of it was her falt. And it wasn’t. she was just a tiny 4 years old.i lowerd my voice and told her it was secret time.I told her that we needed to try and be quiet from now on. and that even if we didn’t agree with them,even when they were wrong, we should do what the nurses said. she was confused. I told her that we should do the right thing. But that if they didn’t like it then we should appolizige and act like we were sorry. Even if we wernt. Because sometimes adult were wrong but if we keep telling them so that we would be punished.I don’t think she understood. But she did it.

 

That day went well. it went perfectly infact. the nurses looked at me during the theopry sesson expecting me to cause trouble. But I didn’t. I told them what they wanted to hear. That what I had done was wrong. And that I would do my best not to be a bad child anymore.i acted remorseful and like I had learned a big lesson. and angel looked confused.walking to lunch I wisperd to angel that we wernt realy bad. But that that’s what the nurses wanted to hear.

When we went to classtime that day I stopped at the teacherladys desk and appoligized for my behavior the previus day. I looked down at the floor as I told her that I had talked to angel and told her that I was wrong and that she should listen to the nurses. The teacher smiled and  gave me my work for the day. She was nice to angel to.

This is how the day went. I lied. Over and over and over again I lied. I wasn’t sorry and I didn’t beleave I was bad. and angel shouldn’t be sorry eather because she wasn’t bad. She was only a tiny little girl.we lied. We both got free time that night.

 

The next morening I was good as well. and after theropy I was told that my parents had decided that I would only be doing half days from then on.  angel said she would realy miss me at night. I told her just to keep doing what the nurses said and that she would get free time.

 

When my parents picked me up that afternoon and I told them what kind of kids were there. I told them about the quiet room. But not about all of it. If they thought I was crazy they might send me back.They were not happy with the information I gave them. They told me I shouldn’t have acted out. But they made sure to tell me that I wasn’t a bad child.i got to sleep with my cat that night.all the pets were very snuggly.they missed me.

 

The next morning dad dropped me off and I was told I would get to go to have lunch in the park with the good kids. angel got to come to. it was the first time she had been outside sence whenever she got there. we were watched by many nurses and not allowed to leave the tables. But at least we were outside. We continued to be good. We contined to lie. and that afternoon we got to watch alladin. its intressting to think now of robin Williams voice as the genie being heard in that dark scairy place. Particularly when we could hear other people screaming outside the room. Angel just scooted a lillte closer to me when the screaming stopped. Some one was in a quiet room.

 

Angels parents were picking her uup the next day. I told her goodbye and that I would miss her very much.i told her to be GOOD . she nodded quickly indicating she knew what I mennt. I had wisperd toher that morning that she might need to pretend that they adults were right with her parents to.so that she wouldn’t have to come back . so she knew what I ment when I told her to be good. I would have given her a hug but that was not allowed. We waved at each other instead. Her parents didn’t say anything when they came . her father just took her arm and lead her out the door.that was the last I ever saw her.

 

The next day was my last day there. my parents didn’t want me there. they no longer trusted the doctor. They wouldn’t be sending me back to that school with ms bargazy. And they wouldn’t be making me go even one more day at the hospital.

 

But the damage was done.

I had always been a straightforward honest child that wanted to do the right thing.

And I wasn’t that anymore.

I had lied to the nurses.over and over again. I had said I was sorry when I wasn’t. I had told a tiny little 4 year old girl to lie to them to. and I felt bad about that.not that I had lied and told her to. but that I felt I had to.  At the school I had told the truth and was punished for it. at the hospital I lied and was rewarded.

When my parents came to get me I remember not looking back as we left. But as we dropve away I looked up at the big building and in my head I heard my word.

“no”.

In that word in my head held everything. I would not be going back there. I would die befor going back there. and no one would ever lock me away ever again.

I went home and hugged my pets.i got to tell them I would be home from then on.

 

My mother home schooled me for the little bit that was left in the school year. and the next year I started at a school that wasn’t acidemicly the most challenging, but the teachers treeted me well. the students were nice to me. and I didnt fear going to school anymore.i even made friends and formed a new wolfpack.

 

For the rest of her life my cat woke me when I had nightmares about the hospital.she lived to be 18.and I had gotten her when I was six. But form 10 to 24 I had someone that woke me when my brain forced me back into the hospital. Or back into a classroom with a teacher who hurt me. For the rest of my life I wil have a problem with small rooms. Amoung other things. I got away. But I didn’t trust teachers anymore. I got away but I didn’t trust doctors. I got away but I learned that the people who are supposed to teach you may somtiems hurt you instead. I got away but I learned that doctors hurt people,they touch kids because they know no one will belave them.i got away But learned that even the people who love you cant always help you,and that they make mistakes. I got away. But I learned how to act and lie. And that’s what I have done most of my life. this is the most honest I have ever been about any of what happened at the hospital.and im still leaving things out.

I am damaged.

I got introuble with other schools . because I had trust issues,and behavior problems. and I still couldn’t keep my mouth shut when someone was bein treeted unfairly.thats one lesson I realy and truly have not learned.

I have ptsd and depression. And in my 20s was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. So my depressive lows are realy REALY low.i have trouble sleeping and I have awful thoughts.

I have seen the shadow people only three times sence I was 10. All three times were right after one of my cats had died and I was distraught.

Im disabled.

I have problems.

Some I may have been born with.

Some were caused by things that happened to me.

I often feel bad.

Im afraid of hospitals.

I worry that that elimently school hurt other kids like me.

I worry that things turned out badly for Angel.

im plagued by sever depression and anxiety.

But when I look back I don’t feel guilty about anything that happened at that school.

I don’t feel guilty about being put in a hospital.

I don’t feel guilty about manipulating the nurses and doctors there to get what I wanted.

I don’t feel guilty about telling a tiny little 4 year old girl to do it to.

She was just a tiny little girl. It wasn’t her fault.

 

It wasn’t my fault.

I was a little girl to.

 

Sumbitted by C.S.D.

3 thoughts on “Hospital

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